How to Avoid Being Miserable

October 25, 2017 • Sarah Jean Gosney

How to Avoid Being Miserable

This article is entitled “Giving up alcohol opened my eyes to the infuriating truth about why women drink.”

It is more or less an overly long rant about the excessive drinking culture (*cough* thinly veiled alcoholism) of millennial women. It is not a success story, sadly, where the woman loses the extra pounds and opens her eyes to a better way of living. It is the story of a deeply unsatisfied alcoholic woman who is unfulfilled by her stressful job and farce of a social life (though she never uses the word “alcoholic,” she does admit to drinking a bottle of wine each night).

To spare those of you with less time on your hands than I had the trouble of pushing through this article, I will simply leave you with a few quotes:

“That’s the summer I realize that everyone around me is tanked. But it also dawns on me that the women are super double tanked — that to be a modern, urbane woman means to be a serious drinker.”

“I don’t say she’ll have to work around interruptions and invisibility and micro-aggressions and a scarcity of role models and a lifetime of her own conditioning. My job on this panel is to make this place sound good, so I leave some stuff out. Particularly the fact that I’m drinking at least one bottle of wine a night to dissolve the day off of me.”

“Look at all we’ve earned! That bar with the twinkly lights. That miniature food. This chauffeured black car. We are tough enough to put up with being ignored and interrupted and underestimated every day and laugh it off together. We’ve made it. This is the good life. Nothing needs to change.”

“I couldn’t afford to be a 24-hour woman. But it didn’t stop me from trying till it shattered me.”

She loosely blames the patriarchy for her problems, but ultimately lands on the real issue at hand. You can’t be a stay at home mom, a career woman, Suzy homemaker, and the sexy wife. You have to sacrifice somewhere.

“I blame that bitch [woman from an Enjoli perfume ad] for a lot. For spreading the notion that women should have a career, keep house, and fuck their husbands, when the only sane thing to do is pick two and outsource the third.”

Don’t become a lonely career woman. Make the change. Find the man. Have some kids if you want them (and you probably do). Spend your free time volunteering or doing a wholesome hobby, and for the faithful, find a church community. Don’t become this woman.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t live in a bubble. I’m not saying you can’t work and be happy (sadly most women must work in the modern economy). I am saying putting your career above everything and skipping family life will make most people miserable.

Tags: self improvement

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