March 7, 2018 • Sarah Jean Gosney
Where have all the good men gone?” many women find themselves asking. Yet they wouldn’t know a good man if he bit them you-know-where.ant a man who is strong, confident, and good-looking. But what else should a man be if he is truly quality? No need to fear: I am here to tell you what to look for in a man, and more importantly, what to avoid. This list is long, but when you are looking for a partner for life, you want to make sure you hop in the boat with the right man. As always, you need to first make sure that you are a high-value woman before demanding these things from a man. Don’t put your cart before the horse. If you aren’t quality, don’t expect quality to come to you. If you don’t know what you need to do to be your best self, read my article on the Five Faces of the Perfect Wife.
This also shouldn’t need to be said, but these days, we do need to state the obvious. Don’t jump right into bed with him! You need to go on several dates before you know what his character is, let alone start a relationship or sleep with him. As you will see from my list, there are several attributes that won’t be apparent off the bat when you meet someone.
What to look for:
- Leadership skills
- Sexually straightforward
- Wants to settle down
Leadership skills: You want a man who can lead you and your family. (If you don’t, read my article on gender roles and maybe you’ll change your mind.) What are his roles at work? Does he take on leadership roles there or in one of his hobbies? Does he take the lead in your interactions, such as proposing plans without your help? Even small things like where he walks in relation to you (in front of or next to is ideal, but always trailing behind may be a sign of his lack of willingness to lead) are indicators of his character.
Decisiveness: This ties in closely to leadership skills and will be important when it comes to big decisions for your family. Again, is he the one making plans, or does he always say “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” If a plan changes, does he calmly come up with another plan?
Sexually straightforward: Let me clarify what I mean by this one. I don’t mean that he’s asking you to have sex right away. What I do mean is that he is clear with his romantic intentions from the get-go. He doesn’t try to friend his way into your pants. He starts your interactions with romantic intent, and there is never any question of whether he just wants to be friends or not (he never does, by the way).
Compassionate: This is a necessary characteristic of a good husband and father. This does not mean he is indulgent, but it means he cares. Does he have pets, and if so, does he take care of them? How does he relate to his family? If you get sick or a misfortune befalls you or even even if you have a bad day at work, how does he react? Is he patient and kind, or does he get frustrated with you?
Wants to settle down: This one you may have to tease out of him a bit, because I don’t recommend outright asking him “So, are you looking for marriage?” Try floating statements like “My parents have been happily married for 35 years. I’d love to have something like that,” then SHUT UP and see what he says. This indirect approach won’t work on all guys, so if he just nods, you can probably safely ask him what he’s looking for in a relationship. If you’ve been on a few successful dates, most guys won’t find this too forward (and if he reacts poorly, he’s told you everything you need to know).
Calmness: Even-headedness is a great quality for a man to have. You want him to be your rock in the storm. Again, how does he react to setbacks? Is he patient when, say, your food is taking too long to arrive, or does he blow up at the waiter? You can monitor this quality by simply watching how he acts in general.
What to avoid:
- No goals
- Bad relationships with family
- Has a temper
- Cold or distant
Flaky: This is a trait you will typically find out about early, and is a very important indicator of his character as a whole. Does he cancel plans at the last minute, with no reasonable explanation? Or worse, does he stand you up? Does he always say vague things like “I’ll call you later” or “We should hang out sometime” with no follow-up? Obviously some of these statements are conversational as well, but if he never seems to commit to plans, this is a warning sign.
Player: First off, I hope you didn’t meet him at a club, because if you did, the chances that you’ve got a player on your hands are high. Even if you did, you should still let him show you what he’s about. On social media sites, does he have pictures with lots of different women? Does he talk about sexual conquests or seem to have a particularly high number of past relationships? Does he tell you outright that he’s looking for something casual or “not anything too serious?” If so, don’t get involved with him.
No goals: Where is he going? What does he want for his future? What hobbies are he involved in, and what does he want to accomplish within them? What does he want to achieve at work? Think of the classic interview question “where do you see yourself in five years?” (maybe don’t ask this outright). If you ask about his hopes and dreams and he stutters, that’s a sign that he has no clue what path he’s on.
Sloppy: This is probably a category I don’t even need to cover as it is instinctual for many women, but as I said earlier, the obvious sometimes needs to be stated. Does he have good hygiene and clean, neat clothing? If you see his apartment, is it slovenly? (Some male mess is understandable, but if code enforcement needs to be called on his place, this is a bad sign.) Just make sure you don’t need to take a hose to him before going out.
Bad relationships with family: This one is conditional, because not all of us are lucky enough to have a good family. However, if he doesn’t mention any particular wrongs done by his family, yet mentions how his sister or mom is “a b****” or how his dad is a jerk, this isn’t good. He may not be forthcoming with issues from his past however, so a simple “Why do you say that?” will help uncover what the real issues are.
Has a temper: This is the opposite of calmness. Does he get mad when setbacks occur or lose patience easily? If he loses it over the little things, imagine how well he’ll cope with the big issues you’ll face during the course of your relationship.
Cold or distant: If he is either one of these, it could be another sign you’ve got a player on your hands. Does he always leave you with the nagging feeling that you don’t know where you stand with him? Are all his replies terse, even when you reveal yourself emotionally? If he shows no affection at all even after a couple of dates, he probably doesn’t and isn’t going to care about you.
Violent: Again, this shouldn’t have to be stated, but it does. If he is violent with you or has a history of violence, leave him in the dirt.
If you use these as a guide when you are dating, you should be able to tell when you’ve got a quality man by your side. As long as you’re up to muster, you should have no trouble keeping this guy around, because, it may surprise you, but there are actually more high-quality men out there right now than there are women who are a catch.
I want to emphasize that I didn’t mention physical traits on this list. I know we all want Prince Charming, but what’s more important in a long term relationship is a man’s character. Obviously you don’t want someone who repulses you, but if you just think the guy is just alright physically, you will be surprised how much you can grow to be attracted to him if he is a strong man of good character. You should strongly consider relaxing your standards on this front.
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