Femininity, Self-Improvement

You Are Not a Lost Cause, but a Work in Progess

You Are Not a Lost Cause, but a Work in Progess

September 16, 2018 • Sarah Jean Gosney

This article is a collaboration between myself and Vera Mistral. Most of these words are hers. Vera is a lovely young woman I follow on Twitter (@VeraMistral) and who writes her own blog. She writes from the perspective of a young woman who is contending with dating in the modern world. Vera wants to thank several others for their contribution to her ideas, and lists them at the end of the article.

Innocence is one of the most beautiful qualities in young women. Unfortunately, it is a trait vulnerable to manipulation and deceit by men. Since young women are innocent and submissive by nature, they are also naive and gullible. There are some predatory men who seduce a woman through artifice and lies to make her feel wanted and appreciated until he uses her for sex and abandons her to move on to more unsuspecting prey. This is how men take advantage of this nature, and so girls become saddened, bitter and angry. If fathers refuse or are impeded from protecting their daughters against this, women can either become their own hardened protectors or exploited victims.

When fathers protect their daughters, girls remain innocent and agreeable, but nowadays women who choose to stay chaste are left to their own devices, and as they reject men to preserve their chastity, women become cold and cynical to guard themselves against those who want to use them. Women weren’t meant to refuse men, but rather, for our fathers to protect us, introduce us to prospective suitor, and help us vet them in order to find a good man. Hence fathers must protect and warn their daughters about the reality of the world, so through her own wisdom, she can remain pure and kind.

Girls who end up having sex face their own challenges. After a girl has experienced bitter heartbreak, she recoils from being trusting and acting on her loyal attachments due to painful past experiences. They realize they’re left to fend for themselves amidst a “sexual revolution” based on lies and manipulation; I suspect it is around this time in their life that a fair amount of young women adopt the feminist language and fall prey to this ideology that reconditions them to hate men. They assume all men are evil, and to protect themselves they seek out weak man-children as a survival strategy; some even embark on a vengeful quest against men altogether, hurting those who never deserved it in the first place. This same story can be said for men as well, for once your heart has been betrayed, anyone who tries to regain your trust will have an uphill battle.

Most men are so quick to pass judgment and swiftly condemn women who have made the mistake of sleeping around; men claim to hate superficial, attention-seeking, hyper-sexual girls, they deem them “unworthy” and a waste. But men gratify the women who are the embodiment of a Jezebel, they buy them drinks at clubs and pour alcohol down girls’ throats, they like their suggestive photos on social media, they shower them with attention and validation, incentivizing and engaging with them in mutually self-destructive behavior, all the while these men tie their identity to how ‘fast’ and ‘easy’ women are towards them. Since they even have the gall to punish modest girls by labeling them as prudes and frigid, I don’t need to explain how their thinking process is illogical and nonsensical. And then they wonder why girls have become more and more degenerate, and less and less nurturing like their grandmothers and mothers. What do you expect to happen when this is the behavior incentivized by society at large?

Nowadays there are countless women who are lost because they followed society’s lead, even though it felt harmful and unfulfilling, because nobody warned them that all men want sex, and most will do and say whatever it takes to get it. These men will say “Sex is just sex, relax, let’s enjoy each other”, they will try to convince you that you can be “just friends” to get you in bed with him before you can be none the wiser. Some women have descended down that path for so long, they don’t know how to turn back or what they would turn back to. But it’s never too late to transform yourself. Even if you’ve gotten tattoos, dated too many of the wrong men, and drunk yourself silly one too many times, you can still better yourself. Don’t listen to society, if you want to heal, you truly can. You may be damaged, but you are not irreparable. You need to take your faults, your fears, your baggage, your mistakes, to own them and rise above them.

Here are some steps you can take to change how men treat you.

You must stop sleeping around

You need to understand that you have been tricked into thinking “sex is just sex” and that being indiscriminate with your sexuality is empowering when in actuality it diminishes you. Birth control has given us a short window that fools us into thinking sex can be casual, but having sex is not at all a casual thing for a human being. Each person you sleep with is someone you permit past your most sacred boundaries; casual sex creates used/abused people that will abuse/use other people. Without proper guidance, cultural preconditions become deeply ingrained; if society encourages promiscuity, a woman might try it, but she’ll always feel miserable for it. But people, women included, are good at hiding their misery in public. Culture determines everything, and women are easily influenced by society, but we must forgive ourselves for the world we live in, for we all make mistakes and healing is a due process.

Sex with the person you love is a beautiful thing, the intimacy built from the sharing of souls is an extension of your sexual energy. By making sex easy real emotional bonding has been subverted for lust and thirst. Souls are kept in a hedonic pursuit of lust running from one another, never forming true bonds that lead to the alignment of family formation. Yesteryear, men had to take a girl on dates, meet her family, friends and bond with her before having the slightest chance at sex. Now he only needs Tinder, a club with alcohol and less than an hour later he gets what he wants and pats her goodbye. Is this really “empowerment”? Or exploitation?

No matter how many guys you’ve been with, there’s no need to continue to causally increase that number. Save sex for committed relationships and screen men before sleeping with them. Doing this will give your heart the chance to heal from all the casual encounters you’ve already had and will truly empower you to hone your people observation skills without having your emotions tangled up in your judgment.

It may be too late to wait for sex before marriage, but it’s never too late to demand investment before sex

It often goes over girls’ heads whether a man is looking for a deeper connection or a flash sexual encounter, and it’s this dichotomy which often leaves women discontent with dating. That’s why you need to be very upfront that you’re looking for commitment. You also need to understand that there are guys who aren’t going to commit no matter what, for one reason or another, and you won’t be able to change his mind. Some guys will be honest with you and tell you outright they are not going to commit, others will deceitfully try to pull you into their booty call harem, you need to be wary of this.

While having sex with a guy right of out the gate doesn’t necessarily end all possibility of a serious relationship, it does rob you of your bargaining chips and will cause you further confusion. You need time to determine whether he’s interested in a serious relationship, and often times it takes going on a few dates before you both can discern if you want to commit to each other, and having sex right away throws off all the signals.

Roosh has taught us to communicate our need for commitment in a healthy way:

“I want to be intimate as much as you do, but sex is something that is very important to me. It takes a lot of trust and time for me to do that. I don’t date multiple guys and I don’t care about where you take me out, but sex is one thing that we should wait for. I don’t know how long it will take and I can’t promise that anything that will happen, but you are the only guy that I’m seeing right now. If you can be patient and we can spend some time together, I want to see where this goes.”

There are five things that you communicated to a guy here:

  1. You are not a whore.
  2. You are not a spinster or serial dater.
  3. You are not trying to spend his money.
  4. You are probably not playing games.
  5. You are not needy.

This is everything he needs to know about you. Most men will walk away, but some will not. It doesn’t completely solve the problem of “getting pumped and dumped”, but it’s a sure way of screening out players who find it unnecessary to wait for sex past date two.

There is no fixed amount of time you have to wait before it becomes safe to sleep with a guy. Unfortunately, if a guy even senses that you’re deliberately withholding sex or some way or another putting him on some arbitrary timeline to convince him that you’re chaste and not easy, he’s likely to just leave… even if he’s the commitment type. Why? Imagine if he relayed on you the following scenario:

“When I was younger, I always took girls to the most expensive restaurants in town, and occasionally I’d surprise them with a romantic weekend getaway to Paris in a private jet, but since then I’ve realized what is important in life and now practice minimalism. Snuggling up on the couch while watching romantic comedies on Netflix is far more meaningful to me today.”

You would undoubtedly feel robbed at being treated worse than girls of his past, as he would if he realized that he has to work harder for you than the men of your past. Don’t be the kind of girl who has sex fast with some men “because you don’t want to DATE those guys”, while you make honest men wait on an arbitrary timeline.

Men will want to wait for you if you’re a quality woman. Aggressive, melodramatic, morbid, self-entitled, volatile, disorganized, high-maintenance are all things sensible, high-value men avoid. Pleasant, affable, lithe, wholesome, sensible, self-reliant (rather than independent), domestic, these are all qualities men value, even more than a college degree; he will want to invest his time in you (unless he’s an idiot/player who doesn’t care for quality women).You need to understand that if you want a good man, you must be a good woman; if a man wants you, he must also be a good man.

Become a prize to be earned, not prey to be hunted

“Being hard to get is a crucial lesson every girl must learn. You cannot give yourself too freely or your affections can be taken for granted.”

Never invest yourself in a man who doesn’t invest in you. If you demand his investment before sex instead of throwing sex at him in a desperate attempt to get his commitment, you will be guarding yourself against potential exploitation & heartache. The more work a man puts in, the less he can justify that you were meaningless to him, and the more likely he will continue to pursue you because he deems you a cut above the rest. After all, it’s a numbers game for men, if you only have sex with men who earn it, you will avoid becoming a meaningless number in a man’s shallow game.

If he displays these green flags, he’s keen on the idea of committing to you:

-You’re both ready to be exclusive, usually after 5 or more dates.

-He wants to introduce you to his friends, so they can give you their approval.

-He considers you a keeper.

The surface isn’t, in fact, superficial, it says a lot about how we view ourselves and want to be treated

“The way a woman carries herself and the way she dresses ought to promote the following types of words: modesty, discretion, wisdom, beauty, elegance, and refinement, but not sensuality, luxury, extravagance.” — Paul Washer

The easiest thing to change of course is your style. You might be used to dressing in ratty androgynous clothing, this should be the first thing you discard. Try dressing in beautiful, well-fitting, feminine clothing for a week and see how you feel. Notice how others treat you and how you feel when you look at yourself in the mirror. Chances are you’ll see a side of yourself that you didn’t know was there.

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A woman’s beauty should not be hidden. It should be enhanced by dressing in a modest, beautiful manner. And as a lady, you can never go wrong with long, healthy, natural hair. Jazzy hair colors can look good on you and attract more attention since they’re rarer. But the upkeep of dyed hair is costly, it wears off quickly and can damage your hair. It’s a hassle when you can look just as beautiful with your natural hair.

Modesty is the highest elegance. — Coco Channel

“There are no better cosmetics than a severe temperance and purity, modesty and humility, a gracious temper and calmness of spirit; and there is no true beauty without the signatures of these graces in the very countenance.” — Arthur Helps

Hopefully, you got a taste of this with your change in fashion, but modesty is about more than clothing, it also relates to your speech and behavior. The Media has taught women swearing is normal and irreverent when in reality a woman swearing is forced and inauthentic. It draws negative attention to you and you’re perceived as unpleasant and masculine. You will notice a positive change when you remove the cursing and sexual references from your speech; express yourself with charm and decency and people will cherish your voice.

We must keep our femininity & our strength

“Authentic femininity is a combination of class, tenderness, and virtue. When a woman possesses these traits, a man will naturally want to be more of a gentleman around her.” — Jason Evert

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Be sure about what you want and be confident in yourself. Fashion is not just beauty, it’s about good attitude. You have to believe in yourself and be strong. Strive to be kind, not nice, to others, for niceness is cheap and can be insincere, whilst Kindness has a soul. Develop your sense of empathy and patience, and you will have more positive interactions with others. Be helpful and selfless, and you will find others wanting to help you.

“Elegance is usually confused with superficiality, fashion, lack of depth. This is a serious mistake: human beings need to have elegance in their actions and in their posture because this word is synonymous with good taste, amiability, equilibrium, and harmony.” — Paulo Coelho

You are not a lost cause, but a work in progress.

“What’s the greatest lesson a woman should learn? That since day one, she’s already had everything she needs within herself. It’s the world that convinced her she did not.” — Rupi Kaur

You do not need a career or money to be more feminine, more beautiful, more chaste, more modest, and kinder. Femininity is within the reach of all of us, it is a skill to be honed, not something we are born with or without. Just because you’ve dug yourself deep in a hole doesn’t mean there’s no way out, the desire to be better goes a long way.

“To awaken chivalry we must return to femininity. We must stop doing the masculine things and become the gentle, tender, dependent women we were designed to be.”— Helen Andelin

I would like to credit all the following people, whose lucid thoughts on Twitter have helped me create this article. Your wonderful ideas will continue to help bring balance to men & women in the world. Thank you!

@sarahjeangosney

@lambhunting

@KittenHoliday

@Pat_Stedman

@QuintusCurtius

@LovelyAtlantan

@TeeJeffJames9

@AmirSymmetry

@goldencatpat

Tags: self-improvement

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